(no subject)

Having such a bad memory is genuinely so painful.

It's like a never-ending feeling that I'm just stupid or don't care enough when I can't remember people I promised I'd never forget, places and things that were once important to me. I can't remember most of childhood, I can't remember most of adolescence, I can't remember most of college, I can barely remember anything a week ago. I felt the memory of what my Grandmother's face and voice were like slipping away even before she died.

When I'm the only person who can seemingly remember something, it horrifies me, because what I remember is a shadow of a shadow of a memory at best.

"If you cared, you would have remembered it."

"Why did you only just now remember it," when it's a miracle I remember anything at all.

Everything's a fog. If continuity of memory is necessary for consciousness, I barely count as a conscious being at all.