Loneliness

[malymin]

There is something very alienating about trying to assert one's existence as a sex-repulsed asexual.

It's hard to ignore how the online response to conservative censorship of NSFW and queer art focuses on the fundamental universality of sex. That art without sexual desire fueling it is not simply real art, it is the realest art, and art made without a libido is barren in comparison.

It is hard to ignore that a lot of ace positivity on Tumblr frames aces in terms of their ability to serve allosexual needs. ("Handing out water bottles at the orgy," "aces make the best smut.")

It is hard to open any conversation about the right to not be a sexual body when minority-positivity is often wrapped up in affirming people's sexual viability. About the right to be sexless as a feminist issue, a rape culture issue, a racial issue and a transgender issue and more.

To assert one's sexlessness is to somehow "steal" a perfectly good resource from other people. To assert a right to acknowledge that a historical figure might have had our experiences, or ask if a character reflects our experiences, is to steal what could have been gay or lesbian rep, which is Superior, that to ask if they could be ace instead is inherently homophobia. A certain comparison to be made to how a trans man is seen as a "waste" and "stealing away" of a pretty daughter, that asking if a historical figure AFAB identified with manhood is stealing from women's history and lesbian history and feminism.

To be a sexless autistic is to be bad autism rep, because by being sexless you're infantilizing yourself, don't you know? You're playing into the idea autistic people are children, because sex is the difference between adults and children. Every weird unusual fixation will be read as a kink or fetish, and attempting to assert that it's not will be treated as a sign that you hate people with kinks or fetishes - or that you're just lying.

(In offline het society, people will often assume someone attracted to neither men or women is attracted to something worse - children, animals - because nothing is not actually an option. Because everyone wants to fuck something, so the person who fucks nothing is just hiding that they want to fuck something abhorrent.)

To be an aromantic asexual is bad ace rep and bad aro rep because allo-aces and aro-allos get offended by your existence. My existence makes them "look bad."

It's hard to talk about our society being structured around the idea that people will be cared for by their children and grandchildren late in life, because of course you're going to reproduce. That society is structured around monogamous partnership. Because obviously all asexuals want QPRs and those are basically like romantic relationships, right?

People who will open their ears when you say "listen, I know the series is homophobic, but this character reads as gay" will not listen if you try to talk about unintentional aro-aceness.

I will die alone. I do not want to get married. My mother has repeatedly told me no man would ever want to marry a woman who doesn't have sex; she does not believe it is possible for men to not want sex. She has repeatedly told me that nobody will ever prioritize a platonic friend over a romantic and sexual partner, that this is the nature of the world. That people will inevitably drift away when they fall in love. I constantly fear getting close to people, because I know they will leave me - if not because I'm annoying and unlikable, then it's because friendship is never as important as love.

I fear that when I have to reject an advance, people think I'm a bitch and I hate them.

I fear that I'm just a stupid adult-aged adult-sized child, developmentally stunted and sexless, that like the changeling parasitizes the home while never growing up. Being a manchild (or rather a womanchild, or a thingchild) isn't cute in your thirties.

Comments

[adore]

I wasn't aware of any of this. But I'm not surprised. People have been very insistent with me that I have to have a sex life, even though I have felt increasingly erotically indifferent over time. I'm allosexual but it makes people uncomfortable that I'm not living their idea of an allosexual life, their idea of the way it's supposed to look.

She has repeatedly told me that nobody will ever prioritize a platonic friend over a romantic and sexual partner, that this is the nature of the world. That people will inevitably drift away when they fall in love. I constantly fear getting close to people, because I know they will leave me - if not because I'm annoying and unlikable, then it's because friendship is never as important as love.

I would like to counter what she has said, because (from my limited observation and experience) romantic relationship breakups generally happen more often than friendship breakups. If the argument is that the reason to prioritise a relationship is how enduring that relationship is likely to be, friendships tend to endure better. However, if the argument is that friends are not likely to buy a house together and live their old age together, I can kind of see that point... but very few of my peers are in a position to buy a house with anyone, ever, so.

I fear that I'm just a stupid adult-aged adult-sized child, developmentally stunted and sexless, that like the changeling parasitizes the home while never growing up.

I relate. I've never hit the milestones that are supposed to make you an adult (like having sex, and earning enough money to be independent). Neither of us are changelings, though; we didn't ask to be born. (I don't know if saying that is comforting but it's a thought that has comforted me, the thought that I didn't choose to be here so I don't have to justify being here.)